So my boyfriend (tee hee the newness hasn’t worn off) likes to go hiking and when your in a relationship you have to compromise. When I say compromise I mean the give and take you have you in a relationship (friendship, dating, family, work, etc.,). So I went hiking in Runyon Canyon and it was tough since I’m a gym rat kind of woman ala not an outdoors sort of person.
But he really enjoys being outside so I’ve been sunscreening and wearing comfy shoes. We usually just go for a long walk in Santa Monica for an hour but today he wanted to go hiking. So up the winding hill of Runyon we went. I won’t lie it was a tough walk but bearable since it was cool and the air was fresh with a breeze. I worked up a sweat just walking up the hill but Yakob wanted something a bit tougher so wanted to go down the side that is quite stiff. At first I said no since it looked scary as hell and I have a bit of a phobia with heights and falling (they go hand in hand). But Yakob said he’d guide me down and I could lean on him. At first it was scary but bearable and was feeling pretty good that I was facing my fears head on so to speak.
I even got so confident that I had Yakob take a photo of me looking tough but than I saw the scary drop and well I freaked out. I told him that I couldn’t go any further. I got so upset that I burst into tears from just the thought of going down the hill and fall down. Once he realized that I was super scared we walked back up the hill. But i feel bad that I wasn’t able to face my fear and walk down the hill. I got down farther than I thought since I was ready to quit a few times but with Yakob’s urging I went further than I would have ever done so good for me. But I really want to try to face fears and not allow my own weakness to keep me from moving forward. I’m sure you wouldn’t make the connection but for me you it’s the same fear that has kept me fat (food as comfort), fear of dating (don’t want to get hurt) and and thinking I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others.
I’ve been working the past two years on liking myself enough to hold myself in value and to not allow the little voice in my head that always says ‘I can’t do that’ and ‘Nobody wants to date a woman that looks like me (fat, plain). But I am working on being the person I want and have cut out those who put doubts in my confidence. Hmmm I suppose this seems as if I’m sad but I’m really not. I see nothing wrong with failing since the only things I regret are not trying.
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